30 April 2009

Will Ferrell
c/o Saturday Night Live
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112
cc: Lorne Michaels

Dear Will,  

Getting anyone's autograph for myself has never been a priority. Years ago, as a finalist on the Anyone Can Host contest, when Gilda was signing my SNL book, I told her it was for my younger brother. She sort of half smiled and nodded, I don't think she believed me. I may not have asked any other cast member to sign. You got my autograph, just for taking the time to look at this.

Maybe if I hadn't been living in such a boring town at the time, I may not have even made it that far. I had just gotten back from living in Europe, so I set a goal of writing a certain number of postcards, racking my brain for witty tidbits. After losing money in a vending machine, I wrote that the town was so small, I knew each vending machine by name, which seemed to be the one that SNL found funny enough to call me. How I ended up there will probably remain a mystery. What a goof ball I must have been back then, but that's nothing compared to what's been going down more recently.

Awhile back, I started writing to Lorne, kind of messing around like "It's better to just do it than talk about it. Because sometimes you present an idea, and they're like, 'ahhhhh.' " Each letter eventually gets posted on my site, dwdiamond.com . Doubtful you will have the time to go there for awhile, with all that must be going on right now. How about a sketch with a role which can later expand your options? The sort of film that can make a difference. You once said that you've been helped by  "making the right choices or having the opportunity with people to develop material that is closer to your sensibility..." If Lorne has had the foresight to contact me, I'm already preparing your future, otherwise there still may be time to get me onboard. Why stack the deck? Because you can.

Did you consider adding some extra effect to Bat Fight? Let's hope that Pearl will not hold a grudge when you get into your golden years, not for the enhanced vocabulary, but for when her friends at school see her baby clips. When I first saw my daughter's ultrasound, she was flipping us off.
Ever hear how while a mosquito bites you, by flexing your muscle, it can't pull out so it fills with blood and bursts? While there will be no shortage of ideas spun your way, maybe I could add a spark to help finish the season with some flair, reaching above what can seem like a dribble of consensus some no longer bother to watch. Or I could be like that insect, with too much to absorb.

Once into that first writers' meeting, will the ahh be closer to awful or awesome? Am I full of it? There's only one way to know for sure.

Feeling lucky?